White Girl Problems Page 8

  “Ships from here were the retrieval boats. Only a third of the victims were ever found. Over a thousand still out there, buried at sea.”

  There was one headstone that ruined my chances of a tear-free evening. It was one for a woman, with the names of her four children listed below hers.

  I didn't know why he wanted me to see it and I wasn’t sure I liked that I had. But it felt like him. His crazy intense way of experiencing things matched the overwhelming feeling of being there. It was like he was holding my hand and standing next to me.

  I turned to Albert. “Thank you.”

  He nodded. “Here you are.” He handed me a letter and offered me his arm. I took both.

  “So where are you from?”

  “Out west. Spokane.”

  He nodded. “I don't know the area well. I have been to California, but that's it.” When we got to the car, he nodded, “Enjoy the remainder of your evening, Miss Roze.”

  “Thank you for showing me that.”

  He nodded. “Of course.” He turned and walked off, like he was a ghost of the graveyard. I got into the car and opened the letter. I was so full of emotion I was almost angry with Aiden, but his letter made me smile.

  My dearest Finley,

  I hope you are not too angry I made you come here. I feel as though it is our duty as the living to pay respect to the dead. You cannot come to Halifax and not see the great Titanic graveyard. They deserve the homage of it.

  I miss you and I can’t wait to be back. Enjoy the remainder of the evening.

  Yours,

  A

  As much as I almost hated the experience, he was right. The driver took me back into the heart of the city, parking outside of something that looked like a pub. He got the door, and when I got out, he winked. “Be back in a couple hours.”

  I walked up to the restaurant, noting the name Five Fishermen. It was odd. When I got inside, it had a trendy feel to it. A hot guy walked up. “Good evening, do you have a reservation?”

  I nodded. “I bet I do. Finley Roze?”

  He smiled wide. “Of course you do. It’s my pleasure, Miss Roze. Your party is already waiting.”

  My party? Oh shit.

  He turned and led me to some stairs. We got halfway when he pointed at the five pictures of the fishermen on the wall. “Those are the five fishermen.”

  “Did they open the restaurant?”

  He laughed. “No.”

  Okay…

  We got to the top of the stairs and he pointed at a wine room. “See the hook there in the chandelier?”

  I looked up at the old hook and nodded.

  “This building was the mortuary in Halifax at the time of the wars, the Halifax Explosion, and the sinking of the Titanic. That hook is what brought the caskets up for the staff. It is the original hook.”

  I looked over at him, gulping. “Seriously?” I was going to murder Aiden. Dinner in a mortuary.

  His eyes brightened. “This way.” We walked up more stairs to a small salad buffet and a girl cooking muscles.

  He turned and walked up another set of stairs.

  The strangest feeling started to stir in my stomach. We walked up the short staircase into a private dining room. My heartbeat quickened and my palms started to sweat. “This is the old captain’s quarters. It was the actual embalming room at one point. They say it’s very haunted. There was a fire once too. Psychics say they can smell the smoke and see the flames sometimes.”

  I took a step back. I didn't believe in ghosts. I also didn't not believe. I just didn't know what I believed. But I felt whatever was in that room. It didn't want me there. I backed down the stairs to the salad bar. “That's creepy.”

  He nodded. “We’ll make up a table for a party and then leave. When we come back, the dishes are all over the floor. Very strange room.”

  He gave me a mischievous look. “Want to see the bathroom where the little girl cries?”

  I shook my head in rapid twitches. “Hell no.”

  He laughed. “Okay, to the table, then.” He turned and walked me through the beautiful dining room to a small table. A girl my age was there, texting. My fingers twitched at the want to hold her cell phone. She looked up and smiled. “Hi!”

  I sat, but the waiter offered no menu. She put a hand forward. “I’m Dee, Aiden’s cousin.”

  I couldn't get the frown off my face if I tried. “Why are you here?”

  She laughed. “It’s nice to meet you too.” She winked a dark-brown eye. Her glossy black hair was pinned up in a bun and her clothes were beautiful, simple, yet elegant. She looked like she’d just come off a yacht. She pointed at the harbor. “We were sailing through, my husband and I.”

  I almost gagged. She looked my age. “I’m Finley.”

  She nodded. “I know. When Aiden found out we were stopping in here—we love one of the local wineries—he told me I had to have dinner with the girl who had stolen his heart.”

  I sighed. “Oh my God. He said that?”

  She laughed and sipped from her wine glass. “He did. He is smitten, I’m afraid. I’ve never seen him like this.” Her eyes darted to the ring. I blushed more. “So you’re his cousin?”

  She nodded. “I am. I’m his second cousin on his mother’s side.” Her accent was similar to his.

  “Tell me about him.”

  Her eyes flashed. “He is a pain in the ass. He’s one of those people who wants you to feel a thousand things, so he makes you watch documentaries that break your heart and go to places that rip your insides up or scare you. This restaurant is a prime example of his desire to push the envelope. He’s very passionate. Reminds me of Romeo, you know?”

  Images of Leonardo playing Romeo flashed in my head. “I guess.” They didn't look alike; I didn't see the connection.

  She sighed. “He’s always in love with something new—a country, a town, a lake he saw. It’s got to be exhausting, I figure, being him. He has the time though. His obligations are less than someone else in his position.”

  I didn't know what that meant, but I didn't have a chance to ask. A plate of muscles and lobster-stuffed scallops arrived at the table. She smiled. “The one thing I love about him is the way he knows the best of everything. If he orders dinner for you, it’s going to be the greatest meal you have ever eaten.” She winked at the waiter and lifted her appetizer fork. I lifted mine and she clanked them together. “Cheers!”

  It made me smile, all of it. The meal, the creepy restaurant, and the cousin who had to meet me because I stole his heart.

  White girls can totally keep a secret. It just takes eight of their closest friends to do it.

  Chapter Seven

  Secondhand

  August

  I sighed as the sun beat down on my face through the hat. The sunhat Hattie had given me was stunning. It was white with an extra-wide brim. I felt like I was going to a polo match. Except of course, I was in cutoffs and a white bikini top. Hattie had bought me clothes. She said she got them at Frenchy’s. I assumed it was a Canadian clothing store.

  “I have to go back to Frenchy’s. You wanna come?” she shouted at me.

  I opened an eye and looked up from the wide brim. “Uh, sure.” I pulled on my white tank top and flip-flops and ran around the side of the house. I hopped into the Toyota.

  She smiled. “You feeling okay? You been really weird since you went down home.”

  I scowled. “I never went home.”

  She laughed. “My husband was from just south of Lunenburg. That’s down home to me now.”

  “Oh. Uhm, ya, I’m fine. It’s nice there.”

  “‘Tis nice. Your mom loved it there.”

  I gave her a look. “What was my mom like?”

  “What do you remember?”

  “Nothing. Just her smile sometimes if I think hard enough. I think she used to sing to me too. A song about two brothers going off to war and they had a wooden horse or something.”

  She scoffed. “I taught her that song. It
was huge in the sixties.” She looked out the window on the other side and sighed. “Your mother was free. There was no holding her back. She was always crazy about everything, in love with a different boy every week, and in love with a new flower and a new outfit. She was fickle, I guess. But it made her easy to love. She was passionate. When she found out she was pregnant with you, it was sort of the end of that.”

  The words cut into my chest. I knew my mother’s life was like that, but hearing it made it worse.

  Hattie shook her head. “It wasn’t you; it was him. She married him because it was the right thing to do. She did the thing that was right, but it was against her nature. I tried to talk her out of it, and so did your aunt, but your grandmother was desperate for them to marry. Told her it was her obligation to marry him. So she did. That was sort of the end of the light in her. It came back a little bit when you were born. But not as much. She was never again that free bird she’d been. It was sad to see her get sick while she was being untrue to herself. Her hair was always tidy instead of a mess of curls and her makeup was always perfect. She was pale and proper.” She gave me a sad smile. “It was like that movie… The Stepford Wives. She was like that.”

  I didn’t feel better hearing any of that. I had been the ruin of my mother and then she died. Wonderful.

  Hattie turned into a crappy-looking parking lot in a rough part of town. It was the city but the junky outskirts. The sign that said Frenchy’s didn’t look like anything to get excited about. This crap-hole store was where she had bought my bathing suit?

  The day was getting worse by the second.

  I followed her inside, stopping short in the doorway as I saw the bins separated by sizes. “Are these clothes used?” The words ripped from my lips, a little too loud.

  Hattie laughed, but the people picking through the bins gave me the shittiest look ever. “Yes, princess. Now come on. You kids all want to look hippie. Well, this is where it originated.”

  “It’s hipster, and I’ll just wait here.” The smell was getting to me, as was the fact I was wearing a used bathing suit.

  She rolled her eyes. “Suit yourself.” She strolled in and started hitting the bins, grabbing nightgowns and tee shirts and stretchy pants. She had an armload when she got to the checkout. The lady rang it in. “Twenty-two dollars.”

  It was like shopping at Old Navy on Black Friday but even cheaper. I looked down at my bathing suit and shorts. “Are these used too?”

  She cocked an eyebrow. “Grab a bag and stop being so infantile.” I could barely move without wondering where my clothes had been before me? Who wore clothes and then gave them away? Oh God.

  I carried the funny-smelling bags to the trunk. She laughed at the sour look on my face. “You know, your mother might not have ever wanted to marry your dad, but she wanted you. Lord knows the only time I ever saw her happy after they got married was when she was holding you. She loved you. So stop being a brat and be the kid she loved.”

  I wrinkled my nose and climbed into the car. “I can still smell that place.”

  She rolled her eyes.

  When we drove into the driveway, there was something I hadn’t expected to see. Or rather someone.

  I jumped out of the car, excited, which was weird. “Jess!”

  She smiled. She looked exactly as she had when I left. Blond hair in a messy bun with thick glasses and a super-pretty face. There was something about her blue eyes though. They looked worried. I pointed. “Hattie, this is Jess. She’s my sister.”

  Hattie nodded once. “Nice to meet you. Grab a bag from the trunk.” Jessica gave me a weird look. I laughed and grabbed a bag, passing it to her. “What are you doing here?”

  She bit her lip. “I just really wanted to see you.”

  I cocked an eyebrow. “So you came to Canada?”

  She nodded quickly. Hattie nodded at the step. “Leave them there and go take Peaches for her walk. She’ll be antsy to go.”

  I knew what she was doing, and I was grateful. I had a feeling Jess and I needed a walk. I grabbed the dog from the backyard and walked her around to the front.

  “Is everything okay?”

  She shook her head. I watched as silent tears slipped down her cheeks. I grabbed her arm. “You’re scaring me. Are you okay?”

  She shook her head. “Mom and Linna drugged you on purpose so Frank would send you away. She took the call from Linna when you fell into the rose bush and cut yourself.”

  My guts started to burn. I had forgotten how toxic my world was. I had forgotten how much my stomach hurt all the time, but it was back. All the shame and anxiety of home was back.

  I sighed. “How do you know?” I felt like the wind had been sucked out of my sails, like Mae always said.

  “I heard her telling Suzzy and laughing about it. Linna wanted Aaron, but he wanted you, and Mom wanted you gone and ruined. She figured Frank would send you to rehab, not here. She wanted you ruined for any good schools. I don't understand why she’s trying to ruin you.” She grabbed my hand desperately. “I didn’t know. I swear I didn’t.”

  I gripped to her. “It’s cool. I suspected something was up anyway. I knew I didn't cut myself, and I couldn't believe I’d done drugs.” I didn’t want her to know how much I was hurting. Peaches pulled me along, reminding me how bad she had to go. I picked up the pace. “I’m just shocked, I guess. Not at your mom, but Linna.” The knife in my back was brutal.

  “Are you going to come back?”

  I shook my head. “I don’t know.”

  She nudged me a little. “I left your dad a copy of the confession.”

  I looked at her sharply. “What?”

  She smiled wide. “Yeah. I recorded it with my phone and sent it to his email at work so Mom can’t hack it. Then I hacked her Twitter and tweeted the link to a blog I set up with the confession on it. Mom, Suzzy, and Linna are going down.”

  Stunned wasn’t the word, but I didn’t have another. “Are you kidding me?”

  She shook her head. “Screw them. Who does something like that to someone they’re supposed to care about? It’s messed. They had it coming.” She bent down and rubbed Peaches’s back.

  “Thank you.”

  She looked up at me, giving me her nerdy smile. “You’re my family, even if they don’t want you to be.”

  I had never known loyalty like that before. Linna’s blade sticking into my back suddenly hurt less.

  “I have a ticket for you to come home with me.”

  For the first time since leaving home, I felt worried about it. I didn’t want to go back, but I knew I needed to face the people who had screwed me over. “What time is the flight?”

  “Tomorrow morning.”

  “Okay, but I want you to meet some people first though, okay?”

  She rubbed Peaches’s cheeks and glanced up at me. “The people who made you look so different?”

  I scowled. “I don’t look different.”

  She nodded and we continued to walk. “Yeah, you do. You look crazy different. You’re so tanned and skinny. Like you’ve been running your butt off. Your eyes are so bright. The light shines like it’s coming out. You look happy and your hair is so much lighter. Did you get streaks?”

  I shook my head. “Just swimming in the salt lake every day and lying in the sun and working lots. I have to carry trays, serve food, and climb a billion stairs, and I walk tons.”

  “Clean living suits you.”

  I laughed. “I literally have been clean for a while. Clean of drama, hate, anger, mean people—all of it.”

  “You even sound different. Less shitty.”

  “Wow, don’t hold anything back.”

  She blushed and pushed up her glasses. “You were just always hung-over or drunk or tired or bitchy ‘cause you and Mom were fighting. You even talk differently. You look more… clear and you sound like an adult.”

  I nodded. “I feel clear and a little bit like an adult.”

  She glanced around. “Canada does
n’t look the way I imagined it would.”

  “I know, right? No snow. I guess the winters are deadly though. Summer and fall are good.”

  She sighed. “Who is the boy?”

  My face lit up. “What boy?”

  “There’s a boy. I know there is. There always is with you.”

  I winked. “Can you keep a secret?”

  She shook her head. “Don’t tell me if it’s a secret. I don’t want to accidentally spill the beans.”

  “Fine, be that way.” I laughed and we walked back to Hattie’s. That night, Hattie drove us over to the home. Jess looked really awkward and weirded out. Hattie sighed. “You two are more alike than I thought.”

  “Why?”

  She smiled. “That’s the same face you had when you first arrived.”

  I looked at the fear all over her face and nodded. “It’s a lot of old people at first.”

  “At first?”

  “Yeah. After a while, they just become people. You don’t see the old anymore.”

  Hattie laughed. “I think I might have made a human out of you yet.”

  I grabbed Jessica’s arm and dragged her to all my favorites. The ladies at the bridge table were nice—too nice.

  The old guys in the corner of the sunroom, who argued about everything, were funny. They told her jokes and showed her where they hid the cookies.

  The kitchen staff were nicer to her than they were to me… ever. And Mae even hugged her. I snarled. “You never hugged me when you met me.”

  She laughed. “Aye, I never knew what to expect. Figured ya has a shiv on ya at all time to go with your drug addictions.” She winked and I sighed at Jess. “Your mother’s stories have reached far and wide.”

  She winced. “Sorry.”

  I shrugged. “Whatever.” I gave her a look. “I saved the best for last.” I pulled her down the hall and knocked at the door. Jack answered after a minute. “Finley Roze, how are you, my dear? I was just speaking of you.” He opened the door wide, and I saw why they had been speaking of me, and with whom.