For Love or Money Page 20

  She takes my hand and winks. “Lucky we aren’t normal.” She pulls me to the limo through a crowd of paparazzi. She doesn’t even pay them a touch of attention. Her driver, Henry, clears a path and opens the door for us. When she climbs in a man grabs my arm. “James, tell us what it’s like dating Lana!”

  Another one flashes something in my face. “Do you really have to call her Miss Lana? Even in bed? Is it hard working with a diva, coming from such humble roots? Does she have a relationship with all the guys in the band?”

  Eventually, she flips them off and drags me into the limo. Henry closes the door.

  I look at her, stunned and uncomfortable, but she just smiles and laughs, pointing at us all. “Everyone calls me Miss Lana from here on out!” It’s meant to be a joke but the only one laughing is Nick as he moves to sit next to her, staring at her cleavage blatantly. “I’ll call you whatever you want, Miss Lana, but you have to promise that when you’re done with this lame ass, you give me a chance.” He points at me.

  “You wish.” She rolls her eyes.

  Nick moves again, mostly because I shove him away from her. Brandon and Simon have the look on their faces I assume I have—stricken. I look back at the flashes of the lights. “Is it always this bad?”

  She shakes her head. “That was a small crowd. Plus I looked hot. The worst are when my hair is in a ponytail with low-slung jogging pants, a tank top, and no makeup.” She shudders. “No wait, when they get a bad photo they always add a rehab suspicion or abortion story or bad breakup lie to the photo. That’s the worst.” She pauses. “No, actually the worst is when your dad calls ‘cause he sees the abortion storyline and you look like crap ‘cause you have the flu, and the picture is on every paper. And you just went to get some Gatorade and fresh air. And suddenly everyone is staring at you in the grocery store, and you don’t even know the paper has come out yet. But then you get in the lineup and it’s there, your face and the abortion story. The cover is actually a fat picture of you because you were out at the beach with friends and ate too much, but no one believes that.” She stops, realizing she isn’t laughing anymore and the story just slipped out. I can tell she didn’t mean to.

  Everyone in the car is silenced. For the first time we all see what it’s like, even for Nick. He nods. “My dad had his picture taken with a lady last year, and they ran a story about how my mom is a lesbian, and that’s how we found out. Our parents’ marriage has always been a sham. My mom is gay and my dad married her because he wanted to help her keep her reputation and trust fund. They were best friends. So he has casual affairs, and so does she, but they won’t ever divorce and live the way they want to.”

  Brandon, Simon, and I are stunned silent.

  Lana smiles but it looks strained. “And yet, we are the envy of everyone. If only they knew.”

  Simon blurts, “I never envied you. Either of you. Lana, your family’s insane and your friends are shit. And the world lies about you constantly. Since I met you, you’ve basically proven everything I knew about you to be a lie.”

  Her smile turns sincere. “My friends aren’t shit. Not anymore. Now I have the best friends a girl could want. The best bandmates.”

  Simon blushes and Brandon nods, looking down.

  I wrap my arm around her shoulders. “Don’t worry. We won’t out you for being amazing. We’ll let them keep thinking you are Miss Lana, the diva.”

  She turns and presses her lips into mine. “Nothing you say could ever change my image. I’ll always be Lana Webber.” There is some hint of bitterness but she beams, like she’s past it.

  We get to the massive restaurant and file in as more paparazzi take our pictures and shout obscene things at us. My hands are balled into fists and my jaw is tight, but she just waves and smiles past it all, like she is above it. She leans in and laughs like I’ve said something so funny. “You can’t kill them all. Just let it roll off your back. Their words can’t hurt us.”

  The adoration in her eyes reminds me none of it matters. What matters is us and the music, and no one can touch those things.

  We enter the party as a band. Leo is waiting for us there with his arms out, eating it all up. He looks tired but he is a showman. As much as I have never liked the guy, he’s earned my respect in a few ways. Hard work is one of them. He’s exhausted, and yet he’s here. He kisses Lana on the cheek and escorts us into the party.

  People are smiling and gushing, no longer shooting hateful or judgmental looks at Lana and us. She has proven she has every right to be here and not because it’s her dad’s show.

  Her dad comes up, disapproving of her outfit with the same look I think I had when I saw it, but hugs and kisses her anyway. He shakes their hands, but when he comes to me, he leads me off, wrapping an arm around my shoulders and steering me to the bar. He leans on it and nods. “I don’t know how to thank you. I don’t know what I expected when I gave you that violin. I had an idea of how it could work, but you have exceeded my expectations by far.”

  I shake my head. “I swear, I didn’t do much. The girl has a natural talent, just like you said she did.”

  His eyes that match hers in color, narrow. “You know I can’t give you my blessing to date her, right? She lied to me and said she and you weren’t anything. She wouldn’t have done that if she thought it was a good idea to date you.”

  She said that?

  My stomach sinks. “She’s an adult. She can choose who she wants in her life.” I can’t believe I’m saying it to him, but I won’t lose her, not after the spring we’ve had.

  He shakes his head. “She’s not an adult, and you need to realize that she isn’t fully better. She isn’t any different than she was six months ago. I know she has you fooled. She did me too. She isn’t taking the healing seriously. She’s taking the music seriously. She’s taking you seriously. She has an addictive personality. I spoke to Ron, her therapist, today after the show. He feels that she is finding other things to be addicted to, instead of curing her addiction problems and filling the void her mother’s death left. She needs to heal, not blanket it all in another thing to crave.”

  His words sound like they’re based on science and reality, but I don’t want to hear them. I shake my head, imploring him with my eyes. “It’s not like that.”

  “You love her, don’t you?”

  My face is tight. I nod my head slowly, answering more with my eyes.

  His face must match mine. He looks so pained I almost don’t hate him for trying to separate us. “I love her too. I want her to succeed and be happy and find herself. I just don’t see how that’s possible when she’s latched on to you.”

  “What do you expect me to do?”

  His eyes harden and I see a man who is all about the business pop up on his face. “I want you and her to keep it professional. Keep your distance from her emotionally. Let her win this because she has the talent, not the new love interest America wants to get the scoop on. I know it’s good for ratings but it’s bad for her. You want what’s best for her, even if it’s not you, right? What with your past year and all . . . with Marlene Saint Clare?”

  Oh fuck.

  She told him that?

  I look down, losing the argument. How can I tell him I know what’s best for her? How can I say I know her better than he does? He’s her loving father and doing the thing he thinks and feels is best. My heart has nothing to do with the equation, especially not when he thinks I’m a male prostitute.

  “You have to be able to detach and see that if that information ever came out, it would ruin her even more than everything she’s done to herself has.”

  I feel sick but I hold a hand out for him, honoring our new agreement.

  Lana finds us, leaning on me and smiling at her dad. “What are you two talking about that’s so serious?”

  His eyes dart to mine as a cold smile crosses his lips. “Oh, just how we both agree you and James are smarter for not starting anything up before the show is over. You’re taking the summer
to think things over and see what happens then.” He slaps me on the arm. “James is a clever young man. He agrees that the show is the focus, not you two. He knows how important this is to you and agree dating you isn’t a good idea.”

  That’s not what I said but he has sort of summed it up.

  Her grip on me fades away until she isn’t touching me anymore. I can’t look at her. She’s told me she loves me and my response is to act like we are nothing but friends, even though I know that’s not true.

  Everything feels off.

  He’s made a decision for us I don’t think I want. I know I don’t. But I can’t believe she’s betrayed me. She swore she would never tell anyone and she lied.

  He stares her down and I feel her leave me.

  He winks at me, joking like the whole serious problem we had was nothing but an act to manipulate her. “I’ll call Henry. He’ll come and get her and take her home. She’ll just need a day to see what’s best for her.” He drinks and eyes a blonde up. It all sends a shiver down my spine. He sees my face and shakes his head. “Henry and Geoff are very good at making her see her own issues and ensuring she’ll be fine.”

  It dawns on me then. He’s not the loving father I saw him as. I narrow my gaze. “You gave me that violin because you wanted to delegate her out to another person. You didn’t know me. I could have been some pervert who took it and used it to take advantage of her. But you saw a possible way to fix your kid without doing the work yourself. Henry and Geoff have raised her. You’ve spent your years finding the next Ex-Mrs. Webber. Lana is the way she is because you’re a shit parent. You’re a good talker—you had me fooled but not anymore. You want what’s best for her—trust me when I tell you—it’s me. I love her. I’m the first person to love her in a long time. You can take your bargain and your fancy talk, and shove it up your ass.”

  His face is bright red but I turn and leave. I have to find her.

  No wonder she’s such a hot mess.

  She needs me, even if she told him about Marlene. She must have had a good reason. I want to give her the chance to explain.

  I run through the crowd but she isn’t anywhere.

  I pull my phone out and text but the message doesn’t deliver.

  I know her. She’s going to make a rash decision.

  She’s going to do something she regrets.

  Where’s Bryce?

  If she thinks we’re done, she’ll look for something to scratch the itch. I know that feeling, it’s exactly what I would do—find someone to get under me so I could get over her. The idea of it makes me sick.

  The ironic part about her dad is that he assumes he knows me. He doesn’t know anything about me.

  I’m as addicted to her as she is me.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  That’s the way love goes

  Lana

  My heels click on the floors as I burst past the doors to the back alley. My breath can’t come fast enough as I stagger out into the night air. It’s still so warm, LA has the best weather. I miss the crispness of Boston but the constant cold is depressing.

  Not as depressing as my dad talking James out of dating me.

  I can’t believe he would listen.

  I almost wish I didn’t love him, but I can’t make myself take it back. I don’t wish it, and I don’t even regret telling him, regardless of the stabbing pain in my chest and the whispers from my brain that tell me his feelings were always shallow.

  No amount of rejection will change the fact I love him. It will just hurt until it doesn’t anymore and I’ll have to accept it as the cost. I felt amazing for weeks, now it’ll probably hurt for months, but I wouldn’t take it back even if I could.

  I loved.

  Me.

  Of course it turned out exactly the way I assumed it always would. He doesn’t love me back, and I am a terrible judge of character.

  My insides are wound so tightly I can’t breathe properly, but I need to get away, so I wander down the alley, not sure where I’m going. I pause, certain I hear my name being called behind me.

  “LANA!” I turn to see Nick running after me. “What are you doing? Where are you going?”

  I shake my head. “Nothing. Just going for a walk.” I pull my phone out and turn it on to send Henry a message, as one from James pops up.

  It’s three words.

  ‘Fuck your dad!’

  It makes me smile as another three words pop up.

  ‘I love you!’

  Relief fills me.

  Nick catches up and scowls. “Come back inside, it’s creepy back here. I got my mojo working on a girl from Bryce’s pussycats, but I saw you run out. Is it your dad?”

  “Yeah, but I don’t think he’s going to be a problem.” I smile at him. “I’ll come back inside, but I just want to find James and leave. I don’t want to do the whole party with my dad thing.”

  He nods. “Okay. Well, I don’t want to party with your dad either. I want to party with Giselle, the girl in the back room with no underwear.”

  I grimace but still laugh in spite of the disgusted look on my face.

  James comes bursting from the back door, stopping me dead in my tracks. He looks like he’s run a marathon and his eyes are wild—frantic.

  “You okay?” Nick nudges me.

  I nod, not taking my eyes from the haunted-looking ones on James’ face.

  Nick looks at us both. “See you guys inside.” We both ignore him. We have nothing to say to him and too many things to say to each other.

  “I don’t want to wait until the summer.” James blurts.

  I shake my head to answer him but he scowls and interrupts my thoughts. “But I need to know if you told your dad about me and Marlene Saint Clare?”

  My jaw drops.

  Oh God.

  “My dad just knows. I didn’t tell him.”

  He narrows his gaze. “Did you tell Ron?”

  He knows my therapist’s name?

  There is a panic inside of me as I shake my head, realizing I did tell someone. I told one person. The one person who was supposed to be my friend. She can’t be the one though. It has to be that my dad has spies everywhere.

  I shake my head, terrified of what he will think if I tell him I told someone.

  “Your father knows on his own?” His eyes narrow.

  There isn’t even a hesitation, I lie. I tell myself I am lying because I love him and I don’t want to hurt him, but it’s because I don’t want to lose him.

  He walks to me. “Can we just start the whole night over?”

  My stomach is burning from the lie, but when he touches my hand it fades away and I feel like I’m drowning in the warmth of him. He wraps himself around me, pulling me into his chest. “I’m sorry I told you that I love you by text, but I was scared you would go off with Bryce or someone else.”

  The words take a minute to settle into my head. “What?” I pull back.

  He pauses, again starting to look frantic. “What?”

  “What was that supposed to mean? I tell you I love you, but I’m still such a desperate whore that I’d run off with Bryce—to what end? To show you that you can’t hurt me? I’ve given you my heart, James. You can hurt me—a lot. You’re supposed to choose not to.” My insides are on fire. I whine a little, pressing my lips together in frustration.

  How the fuck is this my life? “I know I don’t know much about love, but it’s supposed to be more than a day of smiles and kisses and trust. The whole point of loving someone is giving yourself to them. If they hurt you, it’s because you let them in.” Tears stream down my cheeks as I shake my head, turning away from him. “I fucking let you in!”

  A limo comes around the corner. It’s Henry.

  “Lana, I didn’t mean that. I mean, you know because you can be so—“

  “FUCK YOU, JAMES HOLLAND! I HAVEN’T EVER LOVED ANYTHING LIKE I DO YOU! IF THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT TO DO WITH THE HEART I GAVE YOU THEN IT’S YOUR LOSS BUT DON’T PAINT ME THAT WAY! I’M NOT
LIKE THAT ANYMORE AND I TRUSTED YOU TO SEE IT!”

  He rushes to me, grabbing my arm. “I didn’t mean that.”

  “Yes. Yes, you did. You assume I’m going to act a certain way because that’s how I always act. But the difference is, this is the first time I’ve been in this situation. Thank you for teaching me I NEVER WANT TO DO IT AGAIN!” I shake my head, sniffling and losing the want to rage on him. “I’m used to being a broken slut to everyone, but I thought you were different.” I tear my arm from his and walk to the car, realizing I never sent my text to Henry, who is out of the car and staring at us both. “How are you here?” I ask him.

  He pauses, his eyes flashing at James. I follow his gaze to James who throws his arms up in the air. “Your dad. He said he was going to call Henry to come and get you, like he always does, so he and Geoff can calm you down like they always do. He uses these guys to manipulate the world around you and he used me too. Jesus, Lana. I didn’t mean what I said. I was just scared and worried that your dad had managed to convince me to throw away the first thing that’s gone truly right in my life.”

  Everyone is still betraying me.

  I walk past him and Henry, heading for the end of the alley to hail a cab and go back to my hotel. I look back at James. “I’ll try really hard not to slip up and fall on some guy’s dick before the night’s over, but you know how I am. I might not be able to help it.”

  He walks after me, following me. “Lana, wait up.”

  “No, screw you. Like I told you before, James, if I accidentally act the way you assume I will, you can’t be pissed.” I storm out onto the street, holding my hand out for a cab, but suddenly James is there, grabbing it in his and spinning me around.

  He clutches my arms, looking savage. “You ever think that it works both ways? You can’t act one way for so long and not expect people to see you that way. You’re addicted to sex and your dad thinks you’ll get addicted to performing, and you’ll always just be searching for that next addiction.”

  “That’s what you think?” I step back. “No! I’m not addicted to sex. I won’t be like that because I’m not hooked in the way you think. I used drugs and alcohol and sex, and whatever else to push away the possibility I could ever love something. It’s blended my years and taken away the monotony of not ever being seen. When my mom and my music left me, I was alone and brokenhearted so I made a vow I wouldn’t love things. Not the way I loved them. If I didn’t love like that, then I wouldn’t get hurt.”