The Light of the World Read online

He shrugs it off and shakes his head, "You're under my skin. Every minute of hanging with you so far, is locked away and tormenting me slowly. It replays constantly. You in my boxers or dancing or walking down the path."

  I blush, "Sounds painful." Sounds like you're stalking me.

  He taps the table, "It's painful." He looks pained.

  The server places our brushetta appetizer down on the table. She licks her lips when she looks at him. "Hey Wyatt." She seems nervous.

  "Hey." He looks up for a second but then back at me.

  I smirk, "Thanks." But she leaves and ignores me.

  "You know her?" The question is really, 'Did you sleep with her' but I'm trying to be more polite.

  He shrugs again, "She graduated last year. We hung out a couple times. She's kind of strange. She dated a friend."

  I change the subject, "I love that our economy is so great that she finished her undergrad and is still a server."

  He laughed, "I think it's a pretty common theme. You should try some of this. It's good."

  He puts a piece on a plate and passes it to me.

  I have never eaten it before. Willow doesn’t do wheat. Ever. I lift it to my lips and take a bite. I moan before I can catch myself. "Oh my god." I mutter, trying not to spit food at him.

  He nods and takes his bite. Watching him eat is better than I imagined it would be. His blue eyes sparkle and his jaw flexes.

  "You like me. I know you do."

  I laugh, "You're too cocky for your own good."

  "I'm just cocky enough."

  "You want another?"

  I wipe my mouth, "No thanks. I don’t do much wheat. My stomach can't handle it."

  "I wouldn’t have brought you to a pasta house if I knew that."

  "No worries. I'll just have a protein shake with enzymes later."

  He laughs, "You're weird."

  "You've said that already."

  The waitress comes back to take the plates, "So how's senior year?"

  "Good. Can't complain. The house got great pledges and we have a full house. A lot of the freshmen never went Greek so we got lucky."

  She ignores me completely. I feel uneasy around her. She glances at me when he looks down at his phone. He picks it up and stands, "Sorry I have to take this." He leaves the table and walks to the back of the restaurant. She watches him leave and whispers, "Run."

  I frown, "Sorry?"

  She looks at me and her eyes are fiery red, "Run."

  I get up from the table and back away, "What is wrong with your eyes?"

  "It's not me you need to worry about. You were dead when you were born Rayne and when he knows it you'll be dead again."

  The words are from my dream. I back away from her, "How did you know that was in my dream? How do you know my name?" I almost stumble. Fortunately no one else is in the restaurant.

  "When they know what you are, they will come for you. You were dead when you were born."

  I turn and run and don’t stop. Not even when I reach the campus. I'm in better shape than I thought I would be. I'm winded and huffing and puffing but I'm still alive. I didn’t know I could run further than a block.

  I push it up the stairs. My hand shakes in the lock when I finally get the key in the lock. I throw open the door and let out a huge gasp as I close it.

  Mona looks confused, "What are you doing?"

  I shake my head and try to catch my breathing. I huff and puff and few times and then nod, "Running. For sport. You know, exercise."

  She doesn’t look convinced, "Well, Wyatt called like two minutes ago looking for you. He said you ran out on him. You left your phone in here again. Willow called too. I told her you were at class. Why did you run away from Wyatt?"

  I shake my head and wave my hand at her, "No." I struggle to get my breath, "No. I just ran off the meal. Big carby pasta lunch. Too many carbs."

  She crosses her legs and I can see her underwear. I turn my head away, "Dude, skirt." I almost need to take a knee I'm breathing so hard.

  She looks down and straightens her legs and skirt, "He said you acted funny. Some waitress he knew scared you off."

  I frown and can't believe it's taking me so long to get my wind back. Maybe, I'm not in good shape. "You guys had quite the grand old chat."

  She laughs, "Well I told him it was weird that he took you to a restaurant at three in the afternoon. He's kinda weird. Who eats lunch this late?"

  "I don’t know how to feel about him. I'm conflicted. I think I like him, but I feel weird about him. You're right, he's kinda weird."

  I shake my head and walk to my bed. I sit and look at her. I want to tell her about my encounter with the waitress, but I know she's going to call me a weirdo. She will mock me and I won't actually feel better or accomplish anything by it. The red eyes and the dreams are messing with me. I don't believe it and I was there.

  "What are you doing?" I try changing the subject.

  She sighs, "Going through photos from the other night. We took a ton." She hands me her phone and smiles, "Look at this one."

  I take the phone from her. I can't help but smile seeing the three of us dressed to the nines and looking fabulous. Michelle looks the prettiest. She really has blossomed since we moved away from our old hometown. I took the first year off after high school to work. She did it to cocoon and become the beautiful butterfly she is now.

  "Michelle is so gorgeous. I wish I had her legs. She's so thin and yet meaty. You know?"

  I nod, "She is stunning. She's lucky. Good genes."

  I hand the phone back, "She probably has an amazing metabolism."

  The flux in her tone gives it away, "She told you?"

  Mona laughs, "She did."

  I shake my head, "She keeps telling everyone. She's crazy. I would lie."

  Mona shrugs, "I guessed."

  "How? She looks impeccable. I never even recognized her. Not even a little."

  She looks down, "Too perfect. She has no flaws. No fat in weird spots or a muffin top. She eats like a pig. Typical guy metabolism. Plus the Adams apple isn’t all shaved away."

  "That’s funny. I never noticed."

  "What was she like before when she was a he?"

  I shake my head, "Lost. Like he never fit. This is what he's supposed to be now. He is a she. She makes sense. He never did."

  Mona fidgets with the end of her skirt, "I think all girls feel that way."

  I nod, "Yeah. I think it's pretty much the standard for our generation. Too many options."

  As it was just about to get deep and she was about to open up to me, a knock interrupted our little chat.

  I look at the door and then her. She grimaces and nods. She mouths, 'It's probably him?'

  I nod back.

  Fuck.

  I stand and walk to the door. I don’t know what to say. 'A waitress with flames in her eyes knew exactly what I dreamt about and told me to run away from you.' It sounds crazy to me and I was there.

  I put a hand on the doorknob. He bangs on the door and shakes it in my hand. "Rayne open up."

  His fist against it feels almost violent. Fear runs up my spine. I look back at her.

  Suddenly, he speaks softly into the door, "I know what she told you. She had a crush on me last year. It was no biggie. Nothing happened."

  I swallow hard and keep my hand pressed against the door. "It's okay. She isn’t all there Rayne. She's really crazy. She dated a friend to try to get to me. That's all it was."

  He has no idea what she told me. He thinks I'm acting like a jealous freak.

  Now I'm annoyed. I open the door just as he pounds on it. I look at him and try to see the asshole. I try not to notice the chiseled jaw, gorgeous face or boyish smile. I try to focus on the cocky grin. I try to remember that he makes the magic in my tummy hurt.

  He leans on the door, taking up the entire frame.

  "Where is she?"

  Mona looks at him and then me. She raises an eyebrow and points at me.

  I wave a hand i
n front of his face. He doesn’t flinch.

  "I'm right here. What are you doing?"

  "Mona stop playing with me. Where is she?"

  I look back at her, "He can't see me?"

  She doesn’t look convinced, "Dude she's right there."

  "Funny Mona. Where is she? Did she call you?" He looks agitated. He has sweat on his brow.

  "She is right there. She is in front of you. She is there." Mona looks annoyed.

  I push him but he pushes off the frame at the same time and points at Mona. I tumble forward into the hall past him. He looks angry, "You're really funny." He turns and walks away.

  I look back at her and the words of the waitress float through my mind, 'you were dead when you were born.'

  "What the hell was that? Why are you messing with me?" She's obviously infuriated. She gets up and storms from the room. I'm alone and confused. I close the door and run after him.

  He is across the greens when I finally catch up enough for him to hear me.

  "Wyatt. What the hell are you doing?"

  He turns and stops.

  "What was that?"

  I look back, "I don’t know. I was standing there. You…"

  "You didn’t have to run out on me Rayne. I was just getting the phone. She is nuts. I swear."

  I cross my arms and watch his eyes. They don’t turn to flames. They don’t flicker even. He's normal. I'm the not normal in our relationship that isn’t a relationship. My eyes that see in the dark and the way I'm always sick and hallucinating.

  He looks at me with his head cocked, "Why did you run out?"

  I point back at the room, "Why did you pretend you couldn’t see me in my room? You think I'm acting nuts, well what about you? I was standing in my room. I watched you talking to Mona. Why are you screwing with me?"

  His face drops, "You? You were in the room? I couldn’t see you in the room?"

  I shake my head, "I was there. I was. I saw you. I tried to touch you but you ignored me. You honestly couldn’t see me? How is that even possible?"

  He is pissed. Whatever I've said has made a vein in his head bulge and he crosses the gap between us in a step. He grabs my arms hard and shakes me, "WHAT ARE YOU?"

  I feel like my brain is going to explode. "I-I-I don’t know what you mean?"

  He slaps me hard. I see stars. My vision goes dark for a second and suddenly I feel it. The heat rushes through me. My vision gets a haze. I see his hand come up to slap me again, but this time when he swings I block it.

  He stops. His face is horrified. "No."

  I'm huffing and disoriented. I don’t know what is happening. I've never been struck a day in my life. My cheek is burning and it feels like my blood is boiling. I gingerly put my fingers to my face. I taste my own blood in my mouth.

  "Never come near me again." I whisper.

  He shakes me one last time and releases me. He backs away from me. He is breathing like flames will shoot from his lips any second.

  I fall to my knees. The muggy air feels cold suddenly. A piece of my soul breaks off and follows him across the greens.

  Chapter Six

  Two months is a long time to wait for someone to apologize. Especially when the man-whore who should apologize, dates everything that moves. Not even dating, flaunting and screwing.

  I feel sick most days.

  It isn’t that I mean to let him be everything, even after he attacked me. I'm stronger than that, and I have more self-respect than that.

  It isn’t that I mean to let him ruin my life. My life is more important that that.

  It's that I can't shake him. He's shaken me like it was nothing. I was nothing. I feel like nothing. Depression isn’t the right word. All consuming is the right way to say it.

  Michelle is curled around me twirling my hair. Mona is making a collage of the pictures of us on poster board. If my mom could read it she would be disappointed.

  I don’t need magical picture reading skills to see the lost hollow look in my eyes. Even in the pictures I don’t remember, because I was so drunk, I can see it.

  The look.

  No matter how hard I try and no matter what I do, he is everything. He is my life. The piece of my soul that broke off and went with him was bigger than the piece that stayed, and I am broken. The further I am from him, the more I want him. It's painful and mysterious. Like Stockholm syndrome.

  "You know that guy you slept with last month?"

  I glance up at Mona and nod, "Matt?"

  She shakes her head, "Eww, what? Matt? No the guy from the bar who gave us drinks all night. You slept with Matt too?"

  I blush, "What? I was drunk."

  She rolls her eyes, "Yeah, glad to see you aren’t getting too out of control."

  Michelle pulls my hair, "Sam. The one that took your V-Card was Sam. The fact you can't remember means you're drinking too much and having too much sex. This isn’t you. Willow would freak."

  "You've slept with more guys than I have." I tilt my head at her and give her my ducklips.

  She grins, "Gay guys don’t count."

  I frown, "I can have sex if I want to. I'm in college. I need to experiment. Sam was hot anyway."

  Mona smiles lazily, "So hot. He looks just like Ryan Gosling in this pic. Imagine him in a suit?" Her eyes glaze over.

  I look over and moan. "I need to go see him again. That was fun, I think."

  She rolls her eyes again and mouths nasty words like 'slut' at me.

  I sneer but Michelle pulls my hair again, "No, didn’t you hear? He got beat up. Bad. Like a month ago. Jumped on his way home. My friend Marcie got a job at the bar to replace him."

  "No. Oh my god. It must have been right after we slept together. That’s horrid."

  She grins, "If you even make a joke about making him feel better, I will throw up. Or slap you."

  I laugh.

  It's hollow.

  Like my heart.

  The only time I feel better is after sex. It's not even because of orgasms either. The only ones I have are when I'm alone, which is not something I want to discuss.

  At all.

  I feel good after sex, but it's more like when you eat a lot and feel satisfied, but then the remorse hits. Then you have to unbutton your pants and everything feels uncomfortable. I feel good at first and then the discomfort and self-hatred starts.

  Daily my goal is to make it through the day without sex. I've slipped up four times in two months. At least half of the number of times Wyatt's 'dated'. With him it's a new freshman every week. I can't help but wonder if he slaps them around or pretends he can't see them or acts like a crazed stalker nut? I can't help but wonder if they feel like they will die without him, after he's discarded them?

  Like I do.

  Mona hates him and Michelle's worse. They both swear I'm not allowed to have contact with him or be alone with him. Ever.

  It doesn’t matter.

  He doesn’t try to be alone with me anyway. He doesn’t make eye contact with me except to glare at me. Like I hit him. Like I acted crazed.

  I have vowed I will let myself get past him. Willow would hate him and kill me if she knew. Two months of 'I'm fine' has been taxing and she doesn’t buy it anymore.

  The only vow I have kept in losing my virginity was where. I vowed not to do it in a frat house bed and I kept that one. I lost it in the bed of a local guy. I had meaningless sex and walk away unscathed. I like to pretend it's unscathed but I hurt afterward. I hurt in my soul. Like I've traded a piece of it to feel the full feeling.

  My phone vibrates.

  I ignore it.

  I almost always ignore it.

  I can't face Willow. Not after everything I've done. I don’t know how to face either of us. Instead I ignore us both and seek companionship in shallow places, where I don’t have to face them either.

  Mona picks my phone up and looks irritated.

  I wince, "I can't. She's been super needy lately. She wants me to come home for thanksgiving but I'm no
t sure I can. I've been eating meat and having sex. She'll smell it on me."

  Michelle laughs. She knows it's true. I look back at the TV and try to get lost in the movie. Scream 3 isn't my favorite movie. I prefer the first one.

  "So you still planning on being a vampire tomorrow night?"

  I nod once.

  "Please be Witches of Eastwick with us."

  I laugh, "No. I don’t want to be noticeable." They know what I mean. I have enough trouble as it is.

  "Fine be that way. You could take one for the team you know."

  I look at Mona's pout and shake my head, "Last time I took one for the team some creep read me poetry in the corner while you bitches danced and had fun. No. There will be a million vampires. I want to blend in."

  We fall asleep in a bundle of legs and arms and fleece.

  My dream is disturbing, as always.

  I'm walking in a maze made of corn. Just like the one we just went to in Quebec last week with some random guy Mona likes. I had to lie to Willow and say I was spending the weekend in a study group in my common room. She's been nuts about me staying in my dorm. Anyway I'm in a corn maze but I can't find anyone. Smoke is rising from the ground. I try calling for them. No one answers but when I turn a corner I bump into him. He steps back and bows his head slightly, "Forgive me." He looks ashamed.

  I try to fight the tears but I can't. I put a hand out. I'm scared of him. He brings his hand back and slaps me hard. My cheek burns and he does it again. I'm trembling and crying out his name. When I look up at him through the swinging arm I see the dead look on his face. His eyes are dead. He whispers, 'I knew you were already dead Rayne'

  I wake as always. I open my eyes and look around calmly. No one is there. A note sits on my pillow with a red wig and pair of glasses. Susan Sarandon's character.

  I sigh. I am scared of Wyatt and yet attracted. Somehow through the slap and the fingers that dug into my skin, I am attracted to him. It makes me ill.

  My attraction to him bothers me.

  The dream bothers me.

  It'll bother me all night.

  It'll be worse when I see him at the bar with some slut.

  Not that I can really throw that name around anymore. They're my people now.

  My phone is dead again. Willow has been blowing it up. I plug it in and make a mental note to call when I get a chance. I curl back into a ball and pray for good dreams. Not that they ever come.