The Light of the World Read online

  I sleep all day again. Saturday has quickly become a sleeping day for me. I seem to need it. I am exhausted all the time.

  I wake up to a whisper and look around. The room is empty but I can see perfectly. The eye thing is worse than ever. I pick up my phone and dial home.

  She answers on the first ring, "Are you okay? Are you in your room? Honey you need to call more often. I need to see you. There is something I need to talk to you about." She sounds tired.

  "I know. Sorry. I'm just busy and stuff. School is hard."

  She sighs, "You're eating meat aren’t you. I can hear it in your voice. You're tired. Are you having sex too?"

  I cough, "Willow, Jeeze."

  "Don’t try lying to me. Just tell me what's been going on. I can hear it in your voice. Your chi is down. It's bogged."

  "Is it still that boy you liked? That Wicker or Whilom or whatever? Did you have sex with him?"

  I burst into tears, "Wyatt. I love him still and I don’t know why. Something is wrong with me. I can't make it stop. He doesn’t talk to me." I heave slightly, "I can't get him out of my head. He was cruel to me and I can't get over him. He's over me and I'm a feeble weak loser."

  "Nene. You're not a loser. You just love with more than regular people. Baby girl you need to come home. Want me to come get you now? Did you have sex?"

  "NO GOD! I NEVER HAD SEX! Er, with him."

  "Okay, okay. Calm your energy Nene. Just take a breath. How about next weekend? You want to come home next weekend?"

  "Okay. Fine. Can we drop the sex thing though?"

  I can hear her smile, "Yes. Yes we can. I just worry so much. I hate that this boy has hurt you. I love you."

  I sniffle, "I love you too."

  "I'm sorry."

  I cry softly, "I know. Me too. I didn’t mean to yell. I'm just, I don’t know."

  "I'll come get you next Friday afternoon okay?"

  "Yup."

  "Is that all?"

  "No I ate meat."

  She sighs again, "I knew it. How much?"

  I cringe. It's better than telling her about the sex so I tell the truth. "Everyday."

  "Rayne Willow Whynde what are you thinking? You need to stop that and restart the meditation and the poses. Don’t forget the sixth one. I can tell you're not doing it enough." Or at all.

  "Okay."

  "Promise?"

  "Promise."

  "I love you Nene."

  "Love you too mommy." I hang up the phone and feel a little better. I'm still exhausted all the time and sometimes the dead whisper to me for no reason and my eyes glow, but I feel better. I have confessed half of the crap I've been doing. Next week I'll tell her about the sex. I vow no more sex. At least until I tell her.

  I pull on the vampire costume and paint my lips black. I decide on a Gothic vampire. My dark hair suits it. I don’t even realize I'm doing my makeup in the dark until Mona and Michelle come in, and the light from the hallway filters in.

  "You in here?"

  I put the makeup down. "Yup. Just woke up."

  When they flick on the lights they both frown.

  Mona looks at my makeup, "You're doing shit in the dark again?"

  I nod and stammer, "Y-yeah. Uhm, trying to get in the gothic mood."

  They don’t look like they bought it.

  Neither does the Asian girl I don’t know, who is with them. Mona grabs the red wig and the glasses and passes them to the Asian girl. She pulls them on. I turn back to the mirror and finish my makeup. Michelle is Michelle Pfeiffer and Mona is Cher. The three of them look awesome and sexy.

  "You look creepy."

  I smile at Mona and flash my huge fangs. They're the real looking kind that fit onto your teeth snug. I used plaster to mold them.

  Michelle looks at me, "All that fabric and you'll still be the most popular girl at the bar."

  It's true. I'm cursed. I believe it. Ever since that stupid waitress flashed her red eyes at me and the weird dreams have gotten worse, I've been like a dude magnet. A gay guy Michelle knows hit on me last week. I can't walk into the bar without guys offering me drinks or dances or whole tables.

  I look at myself and nod. I'm wearing long black pants with a black tank top and a cape. I don’t have bare skin except my face, which is covered in white makeup and bloodstains and masses of black eyeliner. I look scary and creepy and I will still be turning them away.

  We leave the room and walk to the Asian girl in the Susan Sarandon costume's car. She drives us to the bar. I feel anxious and excited to party. I like partying now. I leave a club feeling good for days. The beat of the music and the energy makes me high. I don’t even really have to drink anymore. One or two but that’s it. Otherwise I get trashed and sleep with someone. Then Mona calls me a slut and Michelle tells me I should start charging, so we can afford dinner out more often.

  The line up is long but the bouncer is one of my adoring fans. I walk up and flash a toothy grin.

  He pauses and then smiles, "Hey Rayne. How's it going?"

  I nod, "Good. Is it busy in there?"

  "Very. Be careful."

  I smile sweetly, "Always." He lets us in. The line up bitches and complains but one look from the huge lug is all it ever takes to quiet them down.

  We climb the stairs and look at the crowd. It moves like an ocean. I feel instantly better. My stomachache is gone and my smile feels real. It only ever lasts until I see him. I don’t look into the crowd. I walk out onto the dance floor and start moving with the music. Instantly a guy comes over, "Want a drink?"

  I look at Mona and Michelle. They nod.

  "Four beers." I lean in and whisper in his ear. I can smell his cologne. He smells good. I lick his neck. He pulls back and flashes me a grin. When he leaves for the beers, I catch a glimpse of Wyatt. He sees me and turns away. He looks angry. He always looks angry when he sees me. I close my eyes and let the music take me.

  "Can I get you a drink?" I look up at a cute boy in a Spiderman costume with the mask up. I smile and shake my head, "No thanks."

  "Wanna dance with me?"

  "No thanks. My boyfriend is coming now." I point to the guy at the bar watching this guy hit on me.

  Spiderman lifts his eyebrows and smirks, "Is he good enough for a hottie like you?"

  I laugh and wave, "Bye." I hate being rude but this won't be the only boy accosting me.

  I close my eyes again and feel the beat.

  The cold beer is pressed into my palm after a few minutes. I take it and flash a vampire smile. He passes the beers to my girls.

  "You are sexy."

  I laugh, "What's your name?"

  He leans in, "Jon." He has dirty blond hair, blue eyes, dimples and a sexy surfer look. He's actually dressed as a surfer, but I would bet he got the outfit from his own closet.

  "I'm Rayne."

  "I know. I'm Wyatt's frat brother. He told me to stay away from you or he would kick my ass." He bursts out laughing. I feel weird about the whole thing. I look at Wyatt and catch him staring at us. He isn’t wearing a costume. He doesn’t need one, except maybe some horns and a tail.

  I grab the surfer shirt and press my lips into Jon. I moan and savor the smell of him. He presses his body against mine. I'm lost in him when something pinches into my arm.

  "Stop." An angry voice blasts into my ear over the music.

  I pull away and see Wyatt's crazed face in mine, "What are you doing?"

  Jon clenches his jaw and pushes Wyatt, "Back off man. Don’t grab her arm like that."

  Wyatt looks at him and points, "Leave now."

  Jon looks at me and shakes his head, "No. You're a head case Wyatt."

  Wyatt grabs his arms and sends him sailing through the crowd. People push him and shove him when he hits them. He trips and ends up lost in the crowd.

  Somehow everyone notices Jon tripping and flailing. They miss Wyatt holding me by my arm and growling at me.

  I glance at Michelle and Mona watching me. Michelle is in the arms of
Benny. He gives me a nod and I shake my head. They all look pissed but I don’t want a scene. No more than the one I'm in.

  "Like he would stand a chance. Why do you insist on hurting these people Rayne? Leave. No one wants you here. No one wants your kind." His words are venom in my ears.

  "What kind, psycho? You're an effing nut Wyatt. Stop watching me and talking to me. I hate you." I tear my arm away from his grip and walk away. I hurry to the bathroom and push on a stall door. When it flings open, I slide in and close it. I am twitching in agony. If the stall were bigger I would pace.

  I cross my arms and sit on the toilet.

  I bite my upper lip and wait for the pain to pass.

  "Rayne you okay?" Mona asks from outside my stall.

  I nod, "Yup." My voice is weak.

  "You sure?"

  "No. I never did anything to him. I know I never. I left our date early, that’s it. He's been a miserable shit since the day HE hit ME. It wasn’t even a date. It was an early dinner."

  "Stop worrying about it. He's such a dick. I threw my beer at him. That’s why I'm hiding in here."

  I laugh. Mona is crazy. "Did you hit him?"

  "Yeah. In the chest. It spilled all over him. He came up and swore at me and told me I should move out of the dorm and not live with you anymore. I called him a cock and the bouncer came up. He threw him out. I just don’t want to be thrown out for throwing a bottle of beer."

  I open the door, "He's gone?"

  She nods, "Yeah. He got bounced. Asshat."

  I look at myself in the mirror and try to ignore my glowing eyes. "Total asshat. He's a douche canoe that one." I act like I hate him but truth be told I am worried the bouncer hurt him.

  Shit is wrong with me.

  We leave the bathroom and head back for the dance floor. We dance and I end up making out with Jon some more. He apologizes for not sticking up for me. I tell him I understand. He would have been kicked from his house. He is a good kisser and he smells delish. I can't help myself. We stumble down the stairs at the end of the night, laughing and leaning on each other. I'm not drunk. I'm high from the energy.

  "Wanna go for breakfast?" He asks. I want him for breakfast. I shake my head and lean in for a kiss. I may have my first sober sex, ever.

  We walk up College Street and head home. My feet hurt a little. My black ballet flats are not made for hours of dancing.

  "So what's up with you and Wyatt?"

  I shake my head, "No clue. We went on a date once. He's acted like an asshole ever since."

  He looks confused, "One date?" I nod.

  He shrugs, "Weird. He acts like you guys were serious. I saw you leave that morning in his clothes."

  I shake my head, "I was sick. He let me sleep over. Nothing happened. I didn’t want it to."

  It's weird that then when I had him attacking me I didn’t want him, but now he's mean to me and I want him more than food or air. My intense attraction/love for him started the day he hit me.

  Shit is wrong with me.

  "He's a dick. I'm probably going to get kicked out of my house for this. But I don’t care." He laughs. He's very drunk.

  I grab his arm, "Wait, he's going to kick you out for kissing me?"

  He hiccups, "If he doesn’t beat me bloody. He's a wicked fighter. I saw him kick the shit out of some guy a few weeks ago. The guy was huge and older and he still didn’t stand a chance against Wyatt."

  I know about his anger. I've felt the sting of it first hand. Oddly enough it wasn’t enough to make hate him, not properly.

  "Yeah, he's weird about you. Any guys even mention you and he gets creepy. His eyes go all dark." He makes a spooky face and then laughs.

  I laugh too, but I am stunned.

  We walk and talk and I lose my interest in him. I decide to walk him to his place and make sure he gets home safely.

  Halfway across the huge sprawling greens I see him. He's standing under a tree, leaning the way he always does. Like our encounter is casual. Like he's waiting for me after school and just wants to chat. My stomach starts to ache because I know it isn’t casual. It never is.

  "Jon you should probably walk that way." I point toward their house. He looks up and shouts, "FUCK YOU WYATT! YOU FUCKER!" His speech is still a bit slurred. "I'll protect you from him." He walks out in front of me.

  "No, just walk that way. I can take care of myself." I can't but I can scream, maybe.

  "No I got this." He shoos me away.

  When we get closer I'm scared. Not just for me but for Jon too. Wyatt looks savage in the shadow of the tree.

  He points at me, "You have to stop this Rayne. No more dating." He is angrier than I've ever seen him.

  I have had enough. I shout at him, "SCREW YOU! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME! Go fuck yourself or ONE of those whores you'RE ALWAYS with."

  He takes one of his massive steps, "I am trying to help you Jon. Run. Get away from her. She is dangerous and damaged goods." His words kill me inside. I feel rage building inside of me. It makes my stomachache come back.

  "Go home." He points to their house. Jon sways and tries to shove him.

  "Leave her alone. You're the damaged goods dude."

  Wyatt pushes him and sends shim sprawling on the grass. I try to run to Jon but Wyatt grabs my arm and swings me. I fly out of his grip and land on my butt on the grass. He grabs for me but I pull it away.

  "ENOUGH!" I cover my eyes for a split second, "I am done with you touching me or mauling me. This is nuts. I'm calling the cops. I know it was you. You beat up Sam."

  His eyes are dark. His jaw is set. His face is contorting into something. It scares the shit out of me. I reach into my bag and fish for my phone.

  It's in my dorm. I left it on the bedside table. I remember the call to Willow earlier and crying over this asshole. I'm stunned at the lengths I will go to make myself suffer. His mouth still makes me want to kiss it. His hands, that look ready to strangle me, remind of the feel of him against my bare skin. I get a waft of him in the air. He smells like Axe and cologne but also the musk that he naturally smells of. My mouth waters.

  He looks at Jon and points, "Go." Jon stands and stumbles off into the night.

  My vision clears and I can see everything. I can see his eyes grow soft and concerned.

  "You're screwing with me. You don’t want to be with me, you only want to hurt me and make sure no one else wants me." I'm angry sobbing in the grass.

  "You don’t know do you?" He takes a step toward me again. He's out of control. One minute he's raging and now he's talking to me gently.

  I stand and take a step away from him, "Screw you." I walk past him. When he reaches for me, I run.

  I run until my stomach twists and I gag. I dry heave and clutch myself.

  He's laughing behind me.

  I try to walk fast while doubling over in pain.

  His arms scoop me up and he plugs my nose, "Stop smelling me. Don’t breathe me in." I plug my nose and it helps. I turn my face away from him and drink in the cool night air.

  "Screw you."

  He looks at me and smiles his boyish smile, "Rayne you're going to be the death of me."

  My hand drops and I take in a huge breath through my nose. I am instantly nauseous. I lean away from him and retch. He holds me out. I throw up all over the grass.

  "You have to stop puking on me."

  I cough and gag and try to stop.

  Chapter Seven

  I feel like death.

  "I think someone drugged me." I whisper into the darkness.

  He looks worried. He's sitting in the chair across the room. The chair the man was sitting in when I slept here last time.

  "Where does she live?"

  I rub my eyes and frown, "Who?"

  "Your mother."

  I lick my lips and swallow. "Plattsburg." I have to call her after I call the police. As soon as I get away from him.

  "Get up and shower." His face is stoic. I have no idea what's go
ing on. I need to get away from him.

  "Are you bipolar?" I ask and wipe my mouth.

  He starts laughing.

  I climb out of the bed and stumble into his bathroom. The room is messy. The bathroom looks like a tornado has whirled through it. Nothing is where it was the last time. There is regular shampoo and soap on the floor of the shower. No body wash. I wash the soap until it's half its size and then scrub myself.

  When I step out of the shower he's holding the towel out for me. I'm naked and dripping water. I hold the curtain over my body to hide my nakedness. "Get out." I'm terrified deep down, but something on the surface likes him. It wants to trust him.

  He shakes his head and walks toward me with his arms out. He wraps the towel around me and hugs me. He's being sweet and gentle again.

  "I don’t know how to be with you. Not without killing you."

  My arm hair stands on end and my low lip trembles. "Are you going to kill me?" My stomach drops into my bowels.

  He kisses my hands and shakes his head, "I'm going to find a way. I'm going to fix this."

  His face is devastating me, just as it's confusing me. "Like taking meds?" He laughs bitterly, "If only it were that simple." He points at the counter where he has jogging pants and a t-shirt folded for me. "I brought you those."

  He leaves me alone. I look at myself in the mirror. My hair looks almost black against my ghastly white skin. My tan is gone. I sleep too much.

  My gray eyes glow in the light. They're the only things about me that aren't weak and sick looking.

  I look deep into my eyes and realize how cruel I need to be with myself. I need the cold hard truth.

  I look into my gray eyes and whisper, "We can never be together. He's insane. It's not just regular crazy boyfriend stuff. This is full-fledged four alarm bad."

  It's breaking my heart but he's shit-house rat crazy.

  He's probably poisoning me to keep me with him, weak and sickly. It's probably why I've been sleeping so much. I saw a special on 60-Minutes once where parents did that.

  I dress quickly. I need a plan.

  His bathroom has nothing I can use to hit him with and make a run for it. The idea of smashing him in the head makes me feel ill again, but I need to get away. My phone isn’t here. I stand at the bathroom door plotting nervously, but he opens it and takes my hand. He drags me from the room. My stomach is worse instantly. His touches and kisses make sparks.